It's 5:51am and I have 9 minutes to write this post. Well, I just spent a minute thinking about what I want to say and so now I have 8 minutes.
Lately, it's been feeling like I just can't do all the things I want to do, let alone all the things I've already committed to do, let alone all the things I have to do. This last year of residency has been a great one and I've become involved in many different projects that I feel passionate about: research, education, resident wellness. I feel an increasing sense of clinical mastery, which basically means I know what I know and also how much I don't know but it doesn't scare me as much. I've been active in my synagogue and at my daughter's school. I feel like all the pieces of the puzzle are, if not falling into place, at least face up on the table and waiting to find their place. But it seems like there is at least 100% if not 200% more to be done in every day and week and month than I can do.
Every email I write starts with the phrase "Sorry for the long delay in my response." Balloons that were up for my daughter's birthday party two weeks ago are still up and the stack of Thank You cards for her gifts still sits blank on the cluttered ledge between our living room and dining room, along with unopened mail and other flotsam from our stitched together life. I've been getting up one hour earlier than I have to for the last month to try and get on top of some of the research and scholarly work that I want so much to get done, and this has been helpful, but I'm so exhausted by the nighttime that I feel like I am not the kind of parent I want to be to my daughter in the few hours we have together during the work week -- I'm easily frustrated, less playful, and distracted, just waiting for the moment when I can lower myself into bed. I fall asleep in literally 5 seconds. The cost of starting a couple of new projects -- all of which I am excited by -- is that I'm spread thin on all of them, taking weeks longer than I promise to get things done, always twenty or thirty items deep on the to-do list. If I feel like I'm a leg up on the work side of life, I'm one step behind on the parenting side of the equation, with friendships and marriage and housecleaning and family always tap-tap-taping at my chamber door. And did I mention the emails? Oh, the emails. How and when will I master the emails?!
Sometimes I wonder to myself: Are we busier than people used to be? Am I uniquely incapable of multitasking? But wait, all I do is multitask. And is the overwhelm an external reality or is it a reflection of something about me? Would I be overcommitted and frazzled even if I were shipwrecked on an island with nothing but palm trees? Should I be doing fewer things? Or maybe this model of living is a successful one -- after all, in the end I do manage to do a lot and much of it at the "good enough" or even "good" level. But I long for a little peace.
I'm already over time by 9 minutes and 9 minutes and late for the shower that leads to throwing some kind of lunch in my bag that leads to hitting the road, so I'll pose my question and see what your thoughts are. Does anyone out there have creative strategies for getting on top of the overwhelm?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts!
Your schedule sounds glorious! I can't wait until I'm a bit farther along with my career such that I *can* take on additional projects. The nine minutes of free time in the morning is very familiar, but at least it's relatively protected.
ReplyDeleteOh, and let me know if you're interested hiring a housecleaner. It took us a while, but we are really happy with our current arrangement.
DeleteInterestingly, I feel the crunch of time *more* now that I'm farther along in training. During the first years of residency, I put everything else on hold and was in survival mode. Now that there is more normalcy, I expect more of myself and want to be doing more, so it's a new negotiation. I'm not complaining, just seeking wisdom! Would love to hear about your housecleaner.
DeleteIf your child is old enough to write, thank-you notes should be her job, if she's not, then why isn't your spouse helping out? Are you the only person doing housecleaning? If so, why?
ReplyDeleteActually my spouse is amazing and does more than half of the domestic work. But with two more than full time jobs it's still a juggling act. Unfortunately, my three year old is yet to be up to the thank-you note task, but she did clean up her activity table today! Granted, she just threw everything into a cabinet but hey -- I'll certainly take it :-).
DeleteI'm not a doctor but I work in the medical field and I just had baby#2 three months ago and have been back at work for a few weeks now. Baby #1 just turned two and my husband works an erratic schedule and is often not home.
ReplyDeleteI've found a few things that have helped me...first and foremost, I just HAD to let some things go. The house may not have to be "spotless" and we may do pancakes or PB&J for dinner a few nights or whatever. I really just had to give myself/my expectations some wiggle room.
Second, I spent a lot of time getting more organized while I was pregnant and right before I came back to work. I spent what seemed like an eternity organizing, sorting and bagging up Baby #1's clothes by size and season. I also did some shopping for Baby #1 for the next season since I knew I would be busy with a newborn. All I need(ed) to do is pull out the appropriate bag for the season for both Baby #1 and Baby #2 (same sex) now.
I also spent an entire weekend doing freezer cooking. I know it seems like you cannot find a whole weekend to devote to this but it really has made a tremendous difference in our schedule. I spent one day doing the grocery shopping (Sams/Costco etc.) and the next cooking and bagging the food (with grandma helping with the kids). For example, I made 4 batches of taco meat and froze them individually. This way when we're in a rush, I can just defrost the meat for taco salad, burritos or whatever. I also got several rotisserie chickens and broke them down and froze the meat individually. Then you can defrost the chicken for chicken salad, soups, enchiladas or whatever you like. I also made stock from the bones and froze that. I did several batches of chili, a few casseroles, breakfast burritos and individual smoothie packs etc. If I have time to cook, I do that but if not- I can pull something from the freezer and improvise. It's still better than hitting the drive thru!
I also try and maximize my time whenever I can. I use my pumping time to do online shopping on my smart phone while I'm at work. I also bring my bills/paper work to work with me so that if I manage to sneak in a lunch, I can take care of some of my personal paperwork (though this doesn't happen too often).
I got a blue tooth so that I can use my commute time to make any personal calls that need to be made because I just don't have the time when I get home. I also subscribe to an organic grocery home delivery service. I LOVE THIS. I order online and they deliver once a week. Maybe there is something like that in your area too?? Some of the grocery stores in my area also offer online shopping and then you just pull up and they will load the groceries for you. I think for the small extra cost- it's worth it in time savings.
I feel like I still have a long way to go but hopefully some of these ideas will help you too!
Wow -- kudos to you with two young ones and a busy spouse! Thanks for these wonderful suggestions!! I have definitely let things go but everything is relative and I could probably stand to be even more gentle with the expectations :-). We do pancakes for dinner on the regular -- comfort food for everyone! Doing clothes a season ahead of time is a great idea, as is making personal calls in the car on the way home. I used to pump while commuting which is still my record for the most bizarre multitask. Grocery delivery seems so deluxe, but maybe it is something I should explore! Thanks again for your thoughtful suggestions!
Delete1) Outsource, outsource, outsource. Agree with the cleaning service suggestion. If food prep/shopping/cooking is a major source of stress, you might look into outsourcing some of that, too.
ReplyDelete2) Ignore what you 'should' be doing as a parent and do what feels right.
3) Decide what the hours are that you are willing to work, and then limit your work to those hours.
4) Reading this, it does sound like you are committed to too many projects at once. Can some of them go on the back burner for later?
5) Do not allow yourself to be chronically sleep deprived because then you will be inefficient, cranky, and unhappy (at least most people are)
6) Realize that residency is temporary (thank god) and you are amazing for surviving the experience as a mother
(On #3, obviously I don't mean required shifts, but it sounds like some of your work is voluntary extra projects. It may be that some of those just simply don't fit into your allotted time frame right now.)
DeleteThanks, Sarah! As far as outsourcing goes, I am counting the minutes until my salary goes up after residency and then I'm getting a cleaning service every other week as step #1. I agree wholeheartedly with #2, both as it relates to the overwhelm and as a deeper philosophy. As far as #3 and #4 go, that's probably where I stand to learn the most -- how to be more realistic about what is possible. I always try to squeeze in one more thing in any given unit time. #5 is very true, but hard to realize when you are on a q4h schedule. But as you note in #6: it's time limited! Thanks again for your thoughts!
DeleteYour goals sound noble and impressive. You sound impressive and must be a fantastic multi-tasker. Yet, I wonder where this need to over-achieve and over-schedule every facet of your life comes from? What is driving you?
ReplyDelete-fellow overachiever.
I've been here, not too long ago. I hazard a guess that most every one of us has. For a long while, it would sit on a knife's edge, where, if all the ducks lined up, I would feel balanced. The tiniest thing though would tip it over the edge - sick child, paper due, hubby needing to work extra. Finally, I made a conscious decision to change it. I did two things. Firstly, I changed my stream to a more family friendly option, and along the way found a job I absolutely, passionately love. Secondly, I kept to mind my propensity to say yes to take on too much, particularly things that I really wanted to do, and consciously let things go. For example, I took a semester break from my bioethics masters, even though I really wanted to do it. Turned out to be the best decision I could have made. On the home front, I've never been one to worry if the house looked like Belle magazine, but I also invested in home delivery of groceries and the like, to make things easier. My children are older now (9 and 12), so we approach housework as a family job that needs to be done. Whenever I feel torn that their friends aren't hanging out washing or vacuuming, I remind myself that I'm teaching them to contribute. I think feeeling overwhelmed is a sign that things are out of kilter for you, and only you know which form of 'balance' feels right to you. I took it as a sign that I needed to change, and it's worked out well. I still have moments of feeling overwhelmed, but now it's confined to brief periods, such as buying and moving into our new home. Most of the time, I now feel balanced. I hope you find that sweet spot too.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jess. I'm glad you have found a sweet spot -- it sounds like you've had to make some hard but good choices along the way. I'm going to take that advice to heart -- that sometimes you have to defer or give up on something that a part of you wants in favor of balance for the whole of you. One thing that resonated with me in your comments is how important it is to be working at something you passionately love. I think that makes the juggle feel purposeful and worthwhile. I would never doubt your impulse to have your kids contribute to housework -- I grew up without the expectations of chores and I still struggle with how to integrate these activities into my life, I think because they weren't ingrained early on. Thanks again and all my best!
DeleteHug! It's hard when there is a lot to do. See what the top 3 things you want to finish in 1-2 weeks are. Don't add more than that. If you have a project, give yourself a bigger timeframe to work with. I agree with the Bluetooth. I make calls to destress during my long commute to work.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your advice! The top 3 things advice is helpful -- I have read a number of books about time management and many center on a similar idea. It's hard to know what time frame to focus on -- a day, a week, a month -- but 1-2 weeks seems like a good way to organize things.
DeleteI'm 2 years out of residency and now a part-time general pedi with a 16m old. I've been where you are. A couple thoughts. 1) Let go of the idea that, in some magical realm, you can do everything you want to. You can't, but that's okay. We are all making choices and trade-offs all the time; it's whether those choices are leading us to the life we want that matters. 2) Being really honest with yourself (and your partner) about your priorities makes it easier to make choices that reflect them. I think this is especially hard for us high-achieving types - just because you can do something (research! an MPH! community service!) doesn't mean you are a slacker if don't. 3) It's okay during residency to simply focus on learning to be an excellent doctor. That's why you're there - there's lots of time later for the other stuff. 4) It will get better after residency. More time, more control over your schedule, more flexibility. It's all worth it!
ReplyDeleteI think the overwhelmed feeling never goes away...I am quitting my outpatient clinic job in a year to be a full time mom of 4 and I know that will also feel overwhelming, but check back with me then!:) Two things that have helped me is to acknowledge that I have many Interests and talents, and that there is a season for everything. I try to embrace the season I am in right now (mama of young needy kids), and have made it really clear to my bosses that I wont take on any extra stuff if it is not compensated in some way. Because ultimately it is robbing time from my family and giving it to my job...I give PLENTY of uncompensated time to my job when I chart every am at 5! Also, I started taking the bus to work. This has forced me to put limits on how late I will stay, and helps my husband feel less frustrated as he knows what time I will be home at night. I can multitask on the bus, I have even mastered the art of discretely breast pumping! And it gives me a brisk walk to the bus stop and some transition time where I can shift my mindset from reading ekgs and managing complicated diabetics to cheering on soccer players and helping with homework
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