MiM Mail: Middle of career life crisis

I feel like I am in the middle of a career-life-crisis.

I am a mother to an almost-3-year-old, and a 9 month old. I am an OB/Gyn. And, I love being both.

After residency, I joined a large private practice. Even after I had my son, I was fairly happy with my schedule. I worked about 3 1/2 days a week in the office, one day on call per week, and one weekend on call per month. But, I thought it was a pretty good life for an OB-Gyn. I sometimes missed holidays, wedding anniversaries, and important family events, but realized that those things came with the territory. After all, babies don't take holidays from coming into this world.

About two years ago, we moved to our home state to be closer to family. In doing so, I changed career paths. I now work as an OB hospitalist, doing about seven 24-hour shifts per month. It's a different role than I ever thought I would have. I see patients in the hospital that have no physician and take care of OB emergencies when their on call physician cannot make it to the hospital in time. In short, I still get to deliver babies and help women in emergent obstetrical issues, which is very rewarding. And, I get to have a lot of time with my children. Now, for example, when we sign up for a 2 week swimming class, I only miss a couple classes, whereas before, I would have only made it to one class. I get to go to the park, the zoo, the mall carousel, and all the daily little things that a lot of mothers in medicine have to miss out on.

I feel guilty even saying this, but when I first transitioned to this job, I definitely had to adjust to being at home so much. I felt guilty at times, because there were definitely moments when I (and my son, for that matter) felt bored. I would call my sisters and ask what they do each day with their kids. But, now, we have gotten into our groove. We have play dates, learning activities, favorite fun spots, and of course, naptime. So, before I know it, the day has passed and we are on to the next. And, just when motherhood starts wearing me out, it is time for me to go to work the next day. And, actually, it is a nice break to get away and have some career time. My 3 year old son asks every morning if I am a doctor or a mom. With this job, most days I spend "being a mom", and only some days do I spend "being a doctor".

So, what's the problem? One of the reasons I went into OB/Gyn was the hospital-office balance. I loved forming long-lasting relationships with patients that continued throughout life stages, multiple pregnancies, and through difficult diagnoses. There is something about delivering someone's baby that bonds you to them. You become important to them. It almost feels like you should be invited to sit at their table for Thanksgiving dinner. And, now, I don't have that relationship. So, I keep looking at job opportunities and wondering if I should return to private practice so that I can have relationships with my patients like I had before. The thing is, that if I make that career jump back to traditional OB/Gyn private practice, I will be giving up a lot of time that I have with my kids. So, I worry that I would end up in a "grass is not always greener" situation. I'm not as familiar with the business aspects of medicine, but to the best of my knowledge, it is difficult to keep a practice afloat (paying overhead, salaries, benefits, malpractice) in the OB/Gyn world and work only part time, so full-time it would be.

I know you guys can't decide my future. The truth is, that getting it all in writing is actually helping me process it all. But, any advice would be nice. Is it possible to have a part-time OB/Gyn practice? Should I just count myself blessed that I get so much time with my kids, even though my particular position as an OB/Gyn is not quite as fulfilling as it once was? How do I not feel guilty thinking all these thoughts?

Sincerely,
Confused mommy doc