(Warning: serious serious whining and verbal diarrhea ahead, but I will blame it on not getting more than 5 hours of continuous sleep more than twice in the past >11 months. Admittedly, entirely my fault.)
I feel like I’ve maxed out. I want to “cry uncle” to life right now. I am tired. I need a break. Break from work, break from kids, break from the baby, break from my boobs, break from dishes, break from the cycle of daycare-work-evening marathon getting everyone fed/bathed/sleeping-passing out while putting my older daughter to bed and feeling guilty for not being able to get a couple more hours of work done afterwards. Then waking up all night, feeling like a wreck in the morning, and doing it all over again with no end in sight. Break from my husband being so busy too. Break from taking a raincheck on every holiday that comes around (birthdays, Christmas, Valentine’s day, anniversary) because it feels way harder to actually plan something or think about gifts. Break from feeling constantly broke and not being able to get help around the house, babysitting, etc. Break from feeling too tired to have sex. Break from making dinner and planning meals. Break from being the one who plans everything, even if we were to have some sort of vacation. I don’t even want to go on a vacation because that would mean more work. Break from feeling like I never am on top of my lab work or studying. Break from feeling more exhausted and depleted over the weekend and at times longing for Monday morning to arrive. Break from absolutely everything.
I think what I really need is to travel back in time and enjoy a weekend when I was 10 years younger. Because if I went to a hotel overnight and slept for 12 hours, I would think about the kids and miss them. I would feel bad that my husband wasn’t getting rest too, because he needs it just as much as me (well, maybe I do a little more haha) or that we weren’t using the opportunity to reconnect and have some special time together.
I always remind myself that this is all self-imposed. I had unprotected sex. I chose to have kids. I chose medicine. And I wanted both at once. I am a sucker and never stopped nursing my now 11 month old to sleep and have created a monster who wants me every few hours all night, every night. But I am too tired to resist going to him, because the sooner I do, the sooner we are both back to sleep. It’s terrible. This phase of life isn’t easy for anybody. I know some people never can ever even entertain the idea of taking a break because of life and financial circumstances so I should be grateful for the theoretical possibility.
Deep breath. It’s okay. One day at a time.
I think I just need to sleep.
Oh this takes me back. I remember those days!! It will get better. You will get your boobs back. You will get time for yourself. Your finances and mental health will improve, post training. Vacation will be fun again, when your kids can fend for themselves. As your kids get older, it will be easier for your husband to participate 50/50. And I promise, even though it doesn't seem like it now, that you will have nostalgia for your littles. Hugs:)
ReplyDeleteAnd I would definitely encourage you to discuss and direct your husband if he's not helping enough - not doing so contributed to the resentment that helped end my first marriage.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the glimmer of hope!!! :)
ReplyDeleteOh gosh, when you're sleep deprived with little ones it is so hard. If you haven't already tried sending your husband in at night, it might be an easier way than you think to end the night nursing.
ReplyDeleteOh boy, what a timely post! While I'm only a med student I also have a several time/night bf'ing baby of my creation...no sleep is brutal! But my mantra: eventually they will sleep and I will miss (maybe!?) the sweet moments in the middle of the night when I feel truly validated despite dark thoughts about medicine and my time away from her, that I am her mother and I love her to the moon and back.
ReplyDeleteJust know you are not alone. I could have written so many parts of this post and I only have one! Hope you feel the collective hugs of moms all around. This is your safe space to whine and vent!
ReplyDeleteHang in there - you're far from alone! I have felt myself saying this multiple times this year following the birth of my second child. I wonder if I could be a better doctor without my kids, a better scientist without being a doctor, a better mom if I had an easier job, a better wife in general - all of it! But since I'm unwilling to give up any piece of my life because I love it all for different reasons, I keep going. I know the baby will sleep eventually, because now my 3 yr old does (most nights). As a junior attending, I no longer go into the hospital on call once/week or answer millions of pages. And as a second-time mom, I'm better at letting the little things slide. Give yourself a break with studying, planning, dressing the kids perfectly, cooking the perfect dinner. We order in on Friday nights now- such a pleasure. Sometimes my kids sleep in whatever clean shirt is on top, not matching pajamas. I used to read on my phone while nursing to feel better about it, but I am sleeping and my husband is helping bottle feed overnight now. Sure, I can't wait to stop breastfeeding - I will stop earlier with this peanut to make life easier for all of us. And I miss dates with my husband. But in the once in awhile moment where we are all laughing hysterically together, life is okay.
ReplyDeleteOh my word. I could have written this at any point in the past year. Tired of running on empty in every life domain. I have two children, am doing a busy ICU fellowship and trying to finish this awful training process with a shred of sanity. My frustration/exhaustion culminated in a discussion with one of my single, childless male colleagues who told me he finds he really performs sub-par if he gets less than 9 hours of continuous sleep a night. I resisted the urge to strange him! Our plight is unique to MiM, but please know I so sympathize and can't wait for it to get better!
ReplyDeleteArgh your guy is up there with my co-resident who referred to my paltry 8 weeks of maternity leave (all vacation time saved) as a paid vacation. I too wanted to strangle him. He's also the guy who managed to do the least amount of work - sliding out the door ASAP, no doubt lying on the couch at home complaining to his wife and three kids how hard he worked all day to avoid lifting a finger around the house. It does get better, Unknown:) - your sanity will return. Hopefully that perspective will get you through, and that we all remember our hell so we can pave the way to a better future for doc moms.
DeleteGuess what guys? I made a break happen! We found and Airbnb cottage in Vermont, drove an ungodly number of hours while kids slept and woke up to horses and snow outside our window. We are here for only 2 days, but being somewhere beautiful and breaking out of the daily grind makes feeling exhausted a little more bearable :) And is a reminder that there is a big big universe outside our little hospital-lab-daycare Groundhog Day.
ReplyDeleteGreat news Keekster! LOVE Airbnb. Got a great four bedroom condo in San Fran there in a couple of weeks to celebrate my daughter and her BFF's 14 bday with stepmom and BFF mom. So much more reasonable than the hotel rates I could find. Enjoy your short time off.
DeleteThank you for this post, I came to work this morning and first thing I did after taking 2 tabs of tylenol is google how to deal with a difficult toddler! As a mother of 2, breast feeding my 6 months baby, carving my way through heme onc fellowship and struggling with a failed marriage, I think I am at the lowest point of my life! I believe I will emerge from this stronger, I love my job and I love my kids, and I know this too shall pass! But I am at a point where I'm not getting out of an unhappy marriage because I don't have child care options, so I need to power through until my schedule is easier! And to top it off, I had to deal with melt downs this morning over going to daycare, face washing, wanting to put both socks on on their own, not wanting eggs for breakfast, not wanting macaroni for lunch, wanting macaroni for breakfast, not wanting to wipe their nose or take augmentin for resistant double ear infections. I yelled at my 3 Y.O and put her brand new toy away. Then I go look up articles about difficult toddlers and they all evolve around what a failed parent I am, excuse me I am a pediatrician and I know kids and guess what they can be difficult for no reason! talking about Waaahaaa, Now I feel all better about letting it out, I can actually get some work done!
ReplyDeleteThis was me in fellowship. Took three years later for me to finally leave the marriage. There was just no time to process anything I was so freaking busy. Good luck and hugs.
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