Some days I’m envious of my Acting Intern

I used to be you. Well rested. On top of things. Bright-eyed. Now I’m the sometimes harried Intern with lots of patients, experiencing lots of sign out and cross-covering. Now I’m the Intern with the baby and husband who you look at and say “wow, I just don’t know how you do it, that’s soo much!” while you run out to your weekly exercise class while I finish my umpteenth note and go home for bath time, dishes, and a glass of wine.

I’m the one with the mommy pouch that won’t allow me to wear the cute new fashion trends (who am I kidding, I can’t even afford those trends) and the hair that needs to be done. I’m the stressed Intern with the significant student loan debt and monthly loan payments. I don’t tell you that if I made just a tiny bit less I’d qualify for public welfare benefits. I’m the one with the job that matters so much that I constantly check and recheck my orders. It hit me hard Day 1, I write the orders and they get done. I get the pages and notifications and make split-moment decisions. I am part of the Code Team. I affect lives. I affect health care costs.

I used to be you, the Medical Student, but now I’m the Intern, I’m Doctor Bee. I used to be scared but not this scared. I used to be tired but not this tired. I used to be happy, but not this happy (in a wickedly complex, exhilarating yet scary all while being fulfilled kind of way). Sometimes I am so envious of you, but more often than not, I’m happy to be exactly where I am.