First, I would just like to thank all of you who dedicate time to contribute and maintain this blog. It has been my mental health check throughout my pregnancy, and I can only imagine that it will be an increasingly important lifeline- and reality check- in the years to come.
I just had my first baby... and am starting medical school in August. I am overwhelmed, and absolutely terrified. Unlike what my in-laws, parents, and friends, think, though, I am not worried about missing my perfect wonderful amazing baby... I am terrified that I will (and I know I will- I am already excited) LOVE it, enjoy the learning, the intense environment, and being back in a university setting, pursuing a dream that I hold so dear. But, what happens to baby music classes in the morning? Raising my daughter? Being a wife who loves to cook dinner and get dressed up just for a night in because I love when my husband gives me that smile? (I am, as per the new usual, crying as I write this. Being one week post-delivery has unleashed tears that didn't even flow when my mom was diagnosed with cancer). Will I be able to do it, and do it well? Or will I do each only halfway and shortchange everyone? I still remember my mom- a stay-at-home mom of 7 always being there to bring lunch to school when I forgot it, playing "tummy time" with my little siblings, and teaching me how to read by age 4. Am I giving all this up?
My husband (most unbelievably supportive person) keeps telling me to take one day at a time. August isn't for a while, and we'll figure it out. I know he is right, but it is nice to hear it from others who have gone through the same thing. Am I crazy or is this par for the course?
I just had my first baby... and am starting medical school in August. I am overwhelmed, and absolutely terrified. Unlike what my in-laws, parents, and friends, think, though, I am not worried about missing my perfect wonderful amazing baby... I am terrified that I will (and I know I will- I am already excited) LOVE it, enjoy the learning, the intense environment, and being back in a university setting, pursuing a dream that I hold so dear. But, what happens to baby music classes in the morning? Raising my daughter? Being a wife who loves to cook dinner and get dressed up just for a night in because I love when my husband gives me that smile? (I am, as per the new usual, crying as I write this. Being one week post-delivery has unleashed tears that didn't even flow when my mom was diagnosed with cancer). Will I be able to do it, and do it well? Or will I do each only halfway and shortchange everyone? I still remember my mom- a stay-at-home mom of 7 always being there to bring lunch to school when I forgot it, playing "tummy time" with my little siblings, and teaching me how to read by age 4. Am I giving all this up?
My husband (most unbelievably supportive person) keeps telling me to take one day at a time. August isn't for a while, and we'll figure it out. I know he is right, but it is nice to hear it from others who have gone through the same thing. Am I crazy or is this par for the course?
Congrats on the new baby and the beginning of your new career! I'm an ob/gyn in private practice and also the mom of two wonderful boys, age 4 and 21 months. I fully understand your concerns and can reassure you that you can excel at both motherhood and medicine without sacrificing either. It can sometimes be a difficult balance to achieve but once you figure it out the rewards are amazing. While it is true that I sometimes miss out on some of the daily parts of my childrens' lives, I make such a point to be present in everything else that they don't seem to even notice. Also, my career allows my kiddos to have some amazing opportunities. We can afford terrific vacations, a great little private preschool that really emphasizes our values, and I have an office and L&D floor full of nurses that love my little boys too(they often come to spend a half day at the office or round with me if the day isn't too busy). You'll make it through and it will be even better than you can imagine. And, don't worry, the postpartum craziness will go away in a few weeks!
ReplyDeleteBabies are Joy of life.Yesterday during my half hour/day "me" bedtime reading time I read this:
ReplyDeleteWhen baby arrives everything (clean neat order, time, money, peace of mind, rest) but Joy dissappears from the houshold.
I had such a laugh out of it. Truly all of the "everything" disappeared from our household.
I recently met extremely successful mother who raised child that achieved what Tiger Mother's daughter achieved so far - Carnegie Hall, Ivy Leage University. This woman was spending 80 hours a week on her daughter's activities/coaching her, tutoring, etc however without pushing that amy Chua employed. And this is the working mother. She said "it is a tough love" meaning you sacrifice.
You need to learn to sacrifice some and live with less. Less time for yourself, less finances, and learn to give yourself to this child. In the end mothers that really try for their kids enjoy great relationship with the kids, and can count on support in the old age (I imagine scornful looks on some faces now, but this is missing in this society at present - old are lonely). I know several mothers at my work who went through career, and 24/7 hamster wheel at home with their children. They are all proud and complete, they would do it again. Kids are thriving. That's what should make women happy in the end.
That said "Tiger Mother" I mentioned always dresses glamourously, her outfits make me jelous. So, I hope you do not miss your dress up times!
See how you feel in a month or so. I am possibly the person who would LEAST ever want to be a SAHM, but even I had the same feelings you're experiencing right now for a week or two after my daughter was born. Two months later I was climbing the walls and couldn't wait for her to start childcare so I could get back to work and have a piece of my old life back. Maybe that won't happen to you.... but maybe it will.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter started daycare a week and a half ago and appears to be thriving in it. It's been good for my husband and me as well. Happy mama = happy family.
Congrats on the baby, and good luck!
Congrats on the new baby!!! I can't speak for long term ability to balance, since I'm still in the pretty early stages myself (17 month old daughter, still in residency). But I can say for SURE, HORMONES MAKE YOU CRAZY!!!! The way you feel a week post partum will be very different from how you'll feel later. Your emotions will cycle like crazy in this immediate post partum period and slowly you'll get clarity (slowly as in I'm still getting clarity). I was SURE I was going to quit to be a SAHM a week in, but I don't feel that way at all now. Although I'm still often terrified of how to balance, because I do LOVE being a great mom and spending time with my daughter teaching her and watching her grow. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteYou are not crazy, you are 1 week postpartum! This is a time of huge changes in your life, your body and your mind. As your husband says, take it one day at a time. I know it is hard not to project and plan and wonder about the future but you have time! Enjoy getting to know your new baby, work out the breastfeeding and sleeping and physical recovery issues now. Your identity as a mother will grow as your relationship with your new family grows. You won't be your mother, though I can tell that you value the time and energy she put into raising you and your siblings. That is wonderful and it sounds like she was a great mom. But the truth is there are MANY ways to be a great mom. Of course you don't know what your way is going to be yet, but you will find it!
ReplyDeleteAs a family medicine and hospice doc, now out of residency for 5 years and the mom to 2 beautiful little girls, 3and 9 mo, I would offer 2 pieces of advice.
ReplyDelete1- check out Glennon Melton's (momastery blog) piece on the sahm vs working mom debate. It just put all of the angst to rest for me.
2- let the lines blur between work life and home life, you are not just a doc or a mom, you're both, it's messy, embrace it.
Here's the Huffington Post piece mentioned above - highly recommend it!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/mommy-wars_b_1210602.html
I would also add, and this may be asking for flames here, but be open to wherever life and your new child lead you. If, after some time, you truly DO feel called to leave medicine and stay home full-time, don't let others make you feel badly about 'wasting' your education or brains. After my second child was born during my second year of medical school, I really wanted to quit but was dissuaded, mostly by embarrassment. I didn't, and soon my debt accumulated high enough that not practicing medicine was no longer an option. I like what I do, but often wish I had chosen to forgo medicine early on when it was still an option.
ReplyDeleteThat said, amen to MTmamaDoc- this work/life thing is messy, embrace it. Do not ever be afraid to make decisions based on "quality of life" issues. I know I turned down some great opportunities to practice in exciting locations, to work with some hot shots who could have advanced my career, because I wanted more time with my kids. I really liked surgery, but quickly realized I wasn't willing to give up that much of my life and chose another specialty where it's easier to work part-time. (And whatever you do, wait until those postpartum hormones settle out! Those can be a bear....)
I know exactly what you are saying about being afraid that you will like school & the challenge too much & feeling guilty about that. I just finished my first year of med school. I have a 2 & 4 year old. In between my previous career and starting school, I took 6 months off to stay home with them. It was awesome, but it felt like limbo too--not knowing what was coming, half present with them, half worrying about the future, stressing about school. I had a similar kind of fear, that after I started med school, the kids wouldn't be my priority any more--and i didn't want to change! I think the guilt is par for the course. It helped me this year to hang out with regular moms (not in med school), to realize that we are all guilt-riddled when it comes to our kids.
ReplyDeleteBut no fear. First year is just a drudge. Don't get me wrong, there are moments of insight, flashes of what awesomeness is down the road... but really and truly, it was just a matter of survival. I just decided on the grades I wanted to make and studied at that level. It took some adjusting... in the beginning I studied to much, then I studied too little, but by second semester I was in the swing of things and hitting right at the class average, which was my goal. The way I view it (and this might be heresy), is that I need to do decently, but if I choose to be top of the class, I'm choosing class over kids. If I screw up my kids, I don't get a do-over. If I screw up a module, I get a tutor and buckle down for the next one.
Anyway, you'll figure out the balance. I suspect it is different for everyone. Most people in your class will be in awe of you and ask you how you do it. I felt like a normal mom when I was home with the kids, and normal med student when I was at school. The most stressful part has been the wear and tear on my relationship with my husband. We're in a good place now (Its summer!), but that stress and lack of time together takes a toll -- I think we'll have standing date nights, non-negotiable next year, to keep our relationship in a happier place. Anyway--good luck to you. I think we all just muddle through! I think the key is that when you are there with your kids, be all there. Do all those wonderful things you remember your mom doing with you, in the time that you have to do them.
Amber -- I'd really love to speak with you more. We have very similar situations. I also just finished my first year and will begin my 2nd year next week. My son was 7 weeks old when I began med school and is now almost 14 months old. And my relationship with my husband went south during the school year because of all the stress and lack of time together.
ReplyDeleteAfter winter break, the feelings of doom gradually set in and were in full force after spring break. My anxiety was so high I was having a great deal of trouble sleeping. I just hated leaving my son with a caregiver (even though she's wonderful) for the majority of the day. Some told me to hang in there -- that maybe my hormones were shifting as my son started nursing less. But my happiness returned when the school year ended. And just about a week ago, the anxiety that keeps me awake at night returned. I began trying to mentally prepare myself to start the school year again -- but I can't help remembering how terrible it feels to leave my son for so many hours. I've never been able to understand or make work for me the argument that quality is more important that quantity -- I envy those who are able to do so.
Last year my solution was to end my "work day" by 4 or 5pm and spend the rest of my time with my son before he went to bed. Then I'd resume studying until 11pm or so. I always have felt like that would be okay if I could take the weekends off -- but that's not how it is and that's never how it's going to be until at least after residency. By that time, my son will be 7 or 8 years old and I worry that I might feel as though I missed so much in that time (especially since I already feel as though I'm missing out).
Some have told me if I'm feeling this way now then I probably shouldn't continue because it only gets worse before it gets better -- I'm considering that advice. I was hoping the summer would be a time for me to get some clarity. But even working with a psychologist, I haven't found the clarity I've been seeking. I need to make a decision by next week.... feeling the pressure.