Mother duties = father duties

I recently realized something.  Something I don't like, that I've been doing without even knowing it.  I have been thanking my husband for doing fatherly duties.  Example:  He says he is going to pick up our daughter from daycare, and I say thank you to him.

Does anyone else see something wrong with that picture?  He never thanks me for picking her up the majority of the time.  He doesn't thank me for loading/unloading the dishes, or for doing the laundry.  But I thank him when he does anything more than go to work and come home.  

I have friends who have clear division of labor in different ways, where their husbands are actually expected to do laundry, dishes, wake up with the baby, etc.  Mine has never had such expectations.  The tasks are all mine, with him helping out when he sees fit and convenient.  The dishes will not pile up if he doesn't touch them for days, I will put them away.  The food will not run out, I will make sure we are stocked up.  The kids will not go hungry, I will make sure they're fed.  I don't blame him at all for any of this, because it is the precedent I have set in our marriage and home.  But I wanted to ask fellow MiM's:  What kind of precedent do you have in your homes?

Thankful for my American Dream

Isn't it crazy how verbalizing something so simple can be so challenging?  It took me almost a week to figure out how I would write this post... Yet every day, I feel so thankful for all that I have in this life!

When I was a little girl, my family didn't have a lot of money.  We always had food on the table, but I never had the clothes, toys or snacks I wanted.  I dreamed of a day when I could go to the supermarket and pick out whatever suits my mood and just buy it.

The day is now here, and I am living the dream.  If you read over my previous posts, you can see I struggle everyday with some aspects of my life that I'm not thrilled about.  But that in no way shapes what the overall theme is of my life:  I made it, and I'm living the American dream.  Of having a one-in-a-billion amazing husband.  Of having a daughter so sweet and smart.  Of having a positive outlook on life (mostly.)  Of having our health, and not least importantly our mental health.  Of just being happy overall.  Of not counting pennies.  Of buying my daughter the toys I want for her (and the toys she wants).  Of having a new car (seriously, sometimes I drive in my new-ish car, about 3 years old, and I marvel at how I grew up to buy myself a new car!).  Of just living this life the way I envisioned more than 20 years ago.  I may not have the dream job (right now), or a dream house quite yet, but I have a dream life, and for that I am thankful every minute of every day.

In the first Sex and the City movie, Charlotte becomes pregnant and says to Carrie, "Nobody gets everything they want! Look at you. Look at Miranda. You're good people and you two both got shafted. I'm so happy and...something bad is going to happen."  Sometimes I worry about being so overjoyed at all that I have.  But then I remember, it's not that bad things haven't happened to me recently, or that everything has just been perfect.  It's that I still have what I need to make me happy... and eternally thankful, for the health that's been given to me and my loved ones, for the ability to work hard, and for the mental prowess I possess to persevere, and look beyond the losses and negatives that come my way.

A very happy Thanksgiving to all!

When is enough, enough?

Much of the past few years, I have regretted decisions I've made... The decision to stay in medical school, the decision to... Well, mostly that.  I knew about a week into medical school it wasn't for me.  I looked into PA school, and transferring to dental school, but was too afraid to make any moves.  So I kept on with the flow, and eight years later I am a fellow.  I have thought about the decision not to quit many times, and have wished I could go back and shake myself and do what I was so afraid of doing:  disappoint my parents, not become a doctor, do something different, not become a doctor, disappoint my parents.  I was young and living alone and terrified, and if my parents were more supportive I maybe would have quit, but that's no excuse and I have absolutely no doubt that I definitely should have, because here I am on a random weekend night, still regretting my decision not to take action then.

What makes me really think about this again, you ask?  No, I don't drive myself crazy on a daily basis; but as I mentioned, I'm now in fellowship and I don't like it.  The field isn't what I thought, the program isn't what I thought, and really, I just don't need it!  Since I've matched and committed to the year, I'm willing to complete the year (to be a responsible adult, but really so on my resume I don't have to say I quit fellowship after two months).  But I don't want to stay for next year (it's a two year fellowship.)  My husband supports me no matter what I decide, but he says, "But it's only one more year!  Then you can be board certified in another field and be even more marketable!" True, true.

My big hesitation again with quitting after this year is:  I'm still afraid to disappoint my parents.  And boy will they be disappointed if I end up practicing just psychiatry.  Eight years later, and that young, scared girl hasn't grown up much.

I wish I could have quit then, and I want to quit now.  When is enough regrets, enough?  When can I just make decisions for me, and not for others?  When can I do what I want?  When can I just be happy with my job?

Disclaimer:  This post is not meant to discourage anyone looking to go into medicine.  Just like some people like chocolate and some vanilla, everyone's desires are different.

I Just Want to Dance!

I recently had an idea that I wanted to sign my Doll up for some dance classes.  She is old enough for them, and with a quick google search I found >10 studios in the area! (And many more with a little driving.)  I called all of them.  Each one.  Not one has any classes available on the weekends for children that young.  All of the classes are offered on weekdays, right in mid-day (11AM-2PM).  There is no way I could make that work.  ::Working Mom guilt explosion::

Thought:  My child will just have to be deprived of life's pleasures such as dancing, her life is ruined!!
Feeling:  Guilt and sadness
Restructure to:  My child has many pleasures in life, but dance class will not be one of them at this point.

CBTing myself didn't quite work...I am still writing this blog, feeling deflated.  Oh well, life goes on.

Every Bite is a Victory

In the last month or so, it seems that my Doll has absolutely rejected all forms of foods, at all hours.  She will take maybe a bite of something new, then immediately spit it out.  This has led to many hours of distracting her with toys, which hasn't worked.  Her left hand is always up and ready to push away any spoon or fork of food, and she has learned to swing her body from side to side as far as it will go in her high chair just so she does not have to eat.

When my husband is home, together we are able to get a few bites of food in her mouth--eggs, crackers, cheese, fruits, what have you.  Whenever she takes a bite (that she actually chews and swallows), I often feel relieved and frequently say, "Every bite is a victory."

One day, hubby was post-call and tired, but because of nanny drama, had to watch her all day while I was at work.  As a result, he did not fight with her to eat, he just put food in front of her and as a result, she didn't eat anything all day.  By the time I got home, she was hungry and ate an ENTIRE dinner!  I was so ecstatic, I told him he should babysit her more often when he's post-call.

This leads me to think:  am I just overfeeding her, so she doesn't want to eat?  I don't know, doesn't feel like she eats anything ever!  Is she just being a normal toddler who is refusing food?  Don't know, she's my first toddler!

The past week especially, I've been growing so frustrated with all of this, that this past weekend, I vowed to not care if she doesn't eat.  I'll just keep putting food in front of her, and if she doesn't eat, must mean she's not hungry.  (Right? I don't know...)

She started daycare this morning after a few months of nanny-ing... so we will see if this changes her eating habits at all.  I know they won't baby her the way I do at home, so it shall be interesting to see!

Does/has anyone else struggle/d with toddler mealtime?  I know it's not just me!

Daycare better than me?

Last year, when I was on call a lot and very busy at work, I couldn't get enough time with my babe.  I always wanted more, more, more.  And I still feel that way--about the time I spend with her.  But lately, I've been feeling like I just don't do enough.  When I'm home, I sometimes just want to relax--I don't always want to be doing educational activities, or practicing walking, or force-feeding her.  Sometimes I just want to be at home with her and I don't want the work that comes with it!

But because we now have a nanny who does not provide much educational content during the day, when I get home I feel that I need to do more with her.  And because she is home all day, it's always up to me to provide healthy nutritious meals that are variable enough for her that she actually wants to eat them.  I frequently don't feel that I do a good job in either of the above aspects and I wonder if I would be better off sending her to a daycare where she is exposed to learning and a variety of food and time to play outside and when we get home, we can just spend time together and cuddle and kiss and love.

I know now for a fact that if I was a stay at home mom, I would not be a good one.  I just don't have the energy it takes to provide my Doll with all that she needs!  I'm grateful for my job, and I always want more TIME with my baby, but I just want it to be quality time where I'm not stressed with her.

Does anything I'm saying make any sense?

Nanny Search??

My husband and I recently decided that daycare is no longer a good fit for our daughter, for many reasons.  We are now starting to look for a nanny.  I am reaching out to the MiM community to see if anyone could give any words of wisdom on finding a good nanny??  I have signed up for care.com, but there are so many nannies available and I can't figure out how to weed out the good from the bad!

Also, if anyone has used a nanny cam, can you recommend a good brand?

ALSO, if anyone has a good idea for keeping personal items safe within the home, how would they recommend I do so? (I assume get a safe? But curious if anyone has any other ideas.)

Thanks!!!

Where is the grass greener now?

An anecdote to describe my life:
I found a new work bag that I wanted, told my husband about it, he went out and got it for me in the color that I wanted, and I changed my mind the next day.  Returned that bag, bought a different shaped one (same company) in a different color, was finally settled with my decision, then decided I wanted the first one after all.  The grass is always greener on the other side right?

How does it relate to my more important mother/wife/doctor life?
I know a mother, whose life I so desperately want, but so do not want at all.  She is not a physician, she is a stay at home mother.  Since the birth of her first-born, and she has been for many years.

She has a lot of help, a housekeeper, a couple of babysitters.  Her kids go to school full time.  I so don't want to ask the awful and judgmental question 'What do you do all day?' But I wonder.

She leads the life that us working, 24-hour-call-taking mothers dream of.  But I saw her in her own zone recently.  Angry and yelling at her kids.  Frustrated with them, frustrated with her husband, frustrated with herself.  And I thought, "Wow, I hope I don't become like that!"

For once the grass was greener on my side.  But it didn't stay that way for long.  Maybe I should spend more time with her...

The grass didn't stay greener because soon after, I went to a playground with my baby after work.  It was an unusual thing for me to do after work, but I did it.  There was a mother there swinging her daughter next to me and SHE struck up a conversation with ME.  We talked for a while and I found her pretty likable, her daugher was my baby's age, and she was a stay at home mom, and I was even thinking that this would be a perfect opportunity to make a new friend with a baby that is my Doll's age in the area since I really don't know any moms.  I wanted to ask her if she wanted to do something like a playdate (which I have never done, because I don't know anyone around here and because I don't have time) and the entire time, I was replaying Fizzy's old post about playdates in my mind.  The post said that the stay at home mothers do playdates only during the week, because weekends are "family time."

To make a long story short, a friend of this woman came up to us and said, "Wow you guys are chatting away!" and this woman responded with, "Hey, she's firing out the questions left and right, it's not me!"  It seems the psychiatrist in me had reared it's ugly head...

I had not felt like I was asking a lot of questions, and if I was doing that, it was because I was so excited about meeting someone new.  I felt like she had asked a good number of questions herself.  But perhaps the conversation was more one-sided than I imaged.  I went home that day without a playdate and feeling awful about myself as a mother and as a person.  Was I really shooting out questions like I am so used to doing at work?  Am I really not able to put work behind me when I'm home?  Was her facial expression when I said I was a psychiatrist only in my head?

The mother I spoke of earlier in this post has playdates all the time (or at least had them when the kids were younger.)  She has other mother friends.  She used to go to the playground during the day in the middle of the week.

 I have always wanted to be an involved mother who provides a healthy and social environment for her children outside of daycare, and I just haven't been able to do that.

So... the grass is greener on the other side.  It is true.

Happy Doctor's New Year!

It's here! The first day of the golden year of residency. The last year of residency.  I can barely contain myself! As we all said our goodbyes to the graduating residents yesterday, I felt a pang of resentment... That they are leaving us, leaving me.  Then I remembered that this indicates the end of my torture and the start of a new life.  I hope.  I hope, I hope.

Waking up this morning, I remembered the morning of my wedding day.  I had just woken up bright and early when I saw my hair stylist drive up and park her car.  I ran downstairs to open the door but my mom beat me to it.  When she walked in, I started jumping up and down out of excitement.

I'm not jumping up and down today... But I kind of feel like it!

Happy new school/residency/work year to all of you who live by the July 1-June 30 year!

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies!  May you all have wonderful days filled with lots of sweet hugs and slobbery kisses!

Mommy Call

After my six-week maternity leave was over, I showed up to work after having been up all night because my Doll must have felt the change coming--she didn't sleep a wink!  And I was up with her, trying to soothe her back to sleep.

I was quite embittered (is that  word?) that I was scheduled for a 24 hour overnight in-house call just 4 days later, as I thought there was an agreement that I would not be on call for at least a month after returning.  That night on call was a particularly slow night, and I was called by the nurses only about twice.  One of the calls required me to handle a situation on the floors, and as I was writing my evaluation note, one of the nurses said to me, "it's nice to get some sleep while you're here, huh?"

No, it's not.  I would have rather been up every night all night with my Doll than sleep all at work.  That's how I felt then, and that's how I feel now, 9 months later.

It is finally May.  I see the light at the end of this very long tunnel!  Two more months until what seems now to be the golden year of residency.

Regrets...

I have a few.  One major, a few minor.  I keep reminding myself that I am the kind of person for who the grass is always green on the other side.  So, even had I made other decisions, I would probably have regrets.  Not definitely, but probably.

How do you all deal with your regrets?

Whose loss is it anyway?

I recently attended a bachelorette party.  A few of the other ladies were moms, but I was the only physician mom.  One of the other moms struck up a conversation with me about our children.  We exchanged pictures, told stories, laughed.  Then she asked me who watches my baby when I'm at work, and I told her my mother and mother-in-law do.  She proceeded to comment, rather rudely I might add, about how I was missing everything in my daughter's life, and I was missing her growing up.  She even said, "It's hard for the baby without her mommy."   I replied, "I made  my bed, now I have to lie in it," and promptly ended the conversation, as I did not feel like being lectured by a complete stranger about my working status.

When I got home, I was infuriated.  How dare she say that to someone she just met!  Then I got mad at myself for answering the way I did. Yes I did make my bed, but it's not an awfully uncomfortable one, and I like it... most of the time.

Furthermore, I was upset that she said this was hard on my Doll.  You see, I don't think it really is, or at least I really hope it's not.  My Doll is taken care of by her loving, adoring grandmothers who would do anything for her.  They're both kind, sweet, and patient with her.  They feed her, change her, play with her, and bathe her just as I would.

I feel that the loss is all mine-- I do miss my baby growing up.  I wish I could witness every moment of it.  But for many reasons, I work.  And my hope is that in the future, my baby does not hold it against me that her grandmothers took care of her when she was little; I hope she appreciates having a hard working, self sufficient mommy, who can help to provide her with a more comfortable life then she otherwise would have.  I hope she will always see it as a positive, never a negative.  And finally, my greatest hope is that I am the only one who feels the pain of being away from her.  I can't know for sure how she feels, but I hope she is just as happy being with her grandmas as she would have been with me.

Introducing myself...

Hello MiM community!

I am so pleased to  be joining you!  A little bit about me... (as stolen from my bio...)

I am a psychiatry resident.  I am very happily married to Hubby, who is also a resident, and I have a sweet and loving daughter, my little Doll, who made her grand entrance in the summer of 2013.  I like to read, write, and google useless things throughout the day.  Some of my goals include reading more psychiatry and less on google, exercising, eating more vegetables and less chocolate, starting to write a novel, and being the best mother/wife/doctor I can be.

I've been reading MiM for years.  It started when I was googling "lifestyle of an ob/gyn" and along came a list of entries written by various MiMers about a day in the life in their field.  I've been hooked ever since!

Anyways, just wanted to say hello!