Last year, when I was on call a lot and very busy at work, I couldn't get enough time with my babe. I always wanted more, more, more. And I still feel that way--about the time I spend with her. But lately, I've been feeling like I just don't do enough. When I'm home, I sometimes just want to relax--I don't always want to be doing educational activities, or practicing walking, or force-feeding her. Sometimes I just want to be at home with her and I don't want the work that comes with it!
But because we now have a nanny who does not provide much educational content during the day, when I get home I feel that I need to do more with her. And because she is home all day, it's always up to me to provide healthy nutritious meals that are variable enough for her that she actually wants to eat them. I frequently don't feel that I do a good job in either of the above aspects and I wonder if I would be better off sending her to a daycare where she is exposed to learning and a variety of food and time to play outside and when we get home, we can just spend time together and cuddle and kiss and love.
I know now for a fact that if I was a stay at home mom, I would not be a good one. I just don't have the energy it takes to provide my Doll with all that she needs! I'm grateful for my job, and I always want more TIME with my baby, but I just want it to be quality time where I'm not stressed with her.
Does anything I'm saying make any sense?
I completely get what you're saying. Our kids (almost 4 and almost 2) go to daycare and I'm sure they learn way more there than at home. I know if I were a stay at home mom I wouldn't be a very good one either. I think time with focused attention (not that I'm great at this either. have to be better at putting the stupid phone down) is the most important. Do the best you can! I'm sure you're a wonderful mommy!
ReplyDeleteI totally get it. It sounds like your little one is quite little, however. (Learning to walk? Not much over 1). Smiling into her moms face, giggling and laughing, face-to-face (low key!) social interaction is plenty for her right now. So give yourself a break. There is a lot of pressure to over-parent right now. Resist and indulge yourself in un-educational snuggle time. When children are small, what is good for mom is good for baby. I would add that I thought my daughter got a lot out of daycare. I think that benefit is biggest at age 2 and beyond when the socializing is important. But my daughter started at 10 months and when we left her first daycare at about 20 months she gave all her "classmates" hugs. … I definitely think daycare is underrated or looked at as a fall-back for people who can't afford to stay at home or hire a nanny. In fact, a high quality daycare, I think, adds value that one individual alone can't provide. Maybe a mixture for a while? Go to a part-time daycare set up for a while and see how that goes in order to transition to full-time daycare by age 2? … Anyway, big picture is relax. You (and your nanny) are doing fine! (I recommend the book "Welcome to Your Child's Brain" … The big picture is that healthy kids will make the most of their environment and learn from it, whatever it is!
ReplyDeleteI totally get what you are saying. First of all, you are way better than you think. Believe in yourself. You are the best mom for your daughter. For me, I liked the nanny at home option more than the daycare as well, but once my daughter turned 18 months, I enrolled her in a half day backyard style preschool/daycare. It was the best decision! (She is still there and is obsessed with "school," is very social, and knows more songs than I could have every possibly taught her) Also, in terms of educational content for your nanny- emphasize that you would like her to read books, go on walks, etc. I set out a list of activities that I wanted her to do, and told her to talk to my baby throughout the day, tummy time (when she was little) etc. Sorry for the long post- but it helped me also to see the force feeding/bath/sleep/cooking as educational, engaging activities. Talk to you daughter while you cook, telling her about the yummy things you are putting together. Telling stories while eating is just as exciting as a puppet show. Seeing you relax, play, read, etc. gives her a great example of what relaxing, playing, reading looks like in your family. It's a matter of perspective!
ReplyDeleteWe have two kids-- I worried over that kind of stuff with DC1, not at all with DC2. They're both turning out amazingly great. DC2 even ended up walking before DC1. I suspect that, within reason, it doesn't really matter how much educational/motor stuff one does compared to other kinds of interaction.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a child development specialist, but I'm willing to bet that directed educational/motor training only really makes a difference in cases of genuine neglect or disability.
I totally hear you. I come home from the hospital some (most?) days and a lot of the time all I want to do is lie on the couch. I am so wiped out. The thing is, our daughter is often totally wiped out too after a full day of daycare. Sometimes our entire interaction is me doing the bedtime routine with her resisting the whole way, which can be no fun at all. Other times we just sit on the couch and watch a movie because I am physically incapable of doing anything else. I do sometimes feel guilty, but I don't really think I should. There's nothing wrong with snuggle time! You don't need to make every interaction you have with your daughter educational or "high quality" in some other way. Just being there and going through the evening routine is enough.
ReplyDeleteI also am a big proponent of daycare. They provide my daughter way more stimulation than ANY stay-at-home mom could. And don't sell yourself short. You would be a fine to excellent SAHM. You just don't want to be one, and that's fine too.
You don't need to do anything specifically educational. Hang out with her. Play with her. Pouring water into cups? Educational! (fine and gross motor; also pre-math because of the volume observations). Putting the dishes away? Educational! Walking in the park? Educational! Kids learn from EVERYTHING. You can't stop them. You don't have to make it happen - it will happen.
ReplyDeleteOur daughter went to daycare; she loved it and it worked best for our family. If the nanny works best for you, yay. Relax and enjoy your time with her and don't stress over whether it's "educational". She'll be fine.
THANK YOU for all the support ladies! I was feeling like a super-slacker mom but everything you are saying is right! I will try to just enjoy the time I have with my Doll, she is growing way too fast!
ReplyDeleteI'll support everything here. All three of my kids did daycare and got so much out of it. When they would come home and have learned a new skill or song, I'd always feel so guilty that I hadn't been doing those things with them. Even when I keep my youngest home on my day off, instead of sending him to daycare, I sometimes feel bad that I'm "not doing enough." But just playing and snuggling is often enough.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree. I just finished vacation and while it was really great not having to be up super early and I enjoyed the relaxation and extra time with my son, I was relieved to go back. We're lucky that we have an amazing nanny that teaches him so much. Unfortunately daycare hours don't work for me and my husband who are both interns, but if they did, I would be all for it. All my friends who send their kids to daycare really love it.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you! My daughter thrived in daycare (started when she was 10 months old). And while the Mommy guilt was huge to start with, I was soon amazed at how much better her daycare teachers were at teaching her things than I was!! These women are amazing. So creative in ways my brain just doesn't even work. :) The right environment will help your little one explore things in a way that compliments everything at home.
ReplyDeleteAlso, totally get you on the cuddling on the couch thing. That's my forte!! :)