Grappling and Grateful

I’m nesting.

No, I’m not pregnant, and I’m not sure when it started exactly, but with the start of residency looming and more free time on my hands right now than I’m used to, l have this strong desire to declutter and reorganize. Thanks in part to a nudge from Mommabee’s recent post on feeling stuck, I dove into Marie Kondo’s Netflix series.

I hoped that I would get some practical tips for decluttering, and I did, but I also found something much more enlightening. It clicked during the 4th episode, when a family of four was working to control the clutter after downsizing from a large house to a 2-bedroom apartment. The crux of the episode was when it became clear that the mother was responsible for essentially all of the “stuff”, both physically, cognitively and emotionally, to the point where her adolescent children and husband would call her throughout the day because they couldn’t find anything. She had taken on the role and implicitly assumed the responsibility while working a full-time job outside the home. I won’t dive into a full analysis of the show (although there’s a good one on the show’s gender dynamics here). The invisible labor of womanhood and motherhood becomes visible.

Suddenly, I saw my impulse to reorganize our home and life in stark clarity. While I’m grateful that my husband is committed to gender equality in our marriage, we’re still fighting generations of inequality and implicit assumptions about men and women’s roles at home and in managing family life. So while some things are straightforward, ie, if I make dinner, he cleans up, and vice versa, other forms of emotional labor are not. Looking back, we can both see the impacts of very unequal emotional labor on each of our mothers. And the “stuff” is just one example. We both moved at least 10 times throughout our childhoods, sometimes internationally, and usually lived in rented housing. While my father was the “packing expert”, my mother managed the bulk of the organizing and cleaning and knowing where everything was, on top of knowing who needed what doctor/dentist/chiropractor appointment or freshly laundered uniform and what we were going to eat for dinner. And I subconsciously still assume that’s my role too. I’ve been able to keep up (mostly) with this invisible work while keeping up in medical school, although it’s gotten a lot harder since my son was born. I’m actually pretty good at managing a lot of this in my head.

But here’s the thing - I know it’s taking energy away from other areas where I want to be excellent, like being really present with my son when I’m with him, and developing into an excellent physician, and building the career that I actually want, rather than just slogging along on a one-size-fits-all career treadmill. I know the other members of my medical-student-mom squad feel it too. We’re constantly exhausted and we’re not even in residency yet. And while decluttering is helpful, it’s not the answer. Delegating is definitely part of the answer, but first I have to list out all of the things that I’m trying to do and then figure out how to delegate them. So keep an eye out for my household organizing/delegating app once I actually figure out how to do all of this. (I'm kidding - this is way beyond the scope of any app.)

No, I put this out there not because I’m expecting someone has a magic answer, but because I’m grappling. And I’m also grateful. I’m grateful for my wonderful mother and mother-in-law, who managed two large, chaotic households with so much love and way more patience than we ever deserved. They fell into bed at the end of every day exhausted for reasons they couldn’t even name. I’m so grateful to them for managing all of our “stuff”, both physical and emotional. And I hope to honor them by finding a way to both love and care for my own little family while letting go of some of those expectations and responsibilities. I hope to honor them by sharing some of the empathy and intuitiveness that I learned from them with my patients and colleagues too. And I’m grateful for the #momsquad that lets me vent without judgement about how hard all of this is, and the husband and toddler who love me just as I am.

Have you encountered assumptions/ prejudice/ racism/ sexism/ intolerance/ harassment/ discrimination at work?

Genmedmom here.

Let's talk about sex, sexual orientation, race, religion, and disability, and being judged by those things, in the workplace. Have you encountered assumptions/ prejudice/ racism/ sexism/ intolerance/ harassment/ discrimination at work? 

It's definitely an appropriate political climate to be discussing this issues. Even aside from the blistering rhetoric of the past year, let's face it, for many folks, a "real" doctor looks like Marcus Welby, M.D. You know, a white, gray-haired, suited man who exudes experience and wisdom. Not that there's anything WRONG with that...

These negative attitudes can manifest differently, and span a wide range of experiences. 

The way I see it, assumptions can be innocent. These can be sort of insulting things said by well-intentioned people. They may be based in inherent bias and unconscious attitudes. Like, for example...

How many times during residency training did I walk into a patient's room, and they assumed I was anyone BUT the doctor? I was asked to clear the cafeteria tray more than once. Even after introducing myself, I was often referred to as [insert non-M.D. staff title here] and asked to fetch things: a glass of water, blankets, a urinal.

Sometimes, those assumptions annoyed me, and I acted annoyed. Other times, I tried to be cheerful and helpful regardless. I have also been guilty of making assumptions about others, and have had to retrieve my Dansko-clad foot from my mouth...

Then, there are more obviously negative/ hurtful/ damaging experiences.

During residency, a senior physician (a Marcus Welby type) whom I respected greatly and had been working with for some time chose a younger, more inexperienced, pretty unreliable male trainee to lead an endeavor that I had been interested in leading. Oh, that hurt. I wondered and fretted, Why didn't he choose me? What secret glee I felt when the young lad never followed through, and the project collapsed! Karma, man. Karma.

A woman I trained with had a miscarriage, and the supervising physicians would not allow her any time off. It was a first trimester loss. "Think of it like a heavy period," they said. "Would you call out for that?"

What I observed throughout all of my medical training was that women received very little understanding, consideration, or flexibility during pregnancy, maternity leave, or breastfeeding. The prevailing attitude was "suck it up, buttercup."

Then, I remember as a fellow, when I was interviewing everywhere for jobs. I was singled out by a senior physician (Yup, Welby again) for being half Latina. I was asked to take on a faculty position in part "because then we'll be closer to meeting the requirements for minority recruits. You can really help the department to look more inclusive. That'll be such a bonus."

That felt weird. I did not take the position.

In that job search almost ten years ago, I sought out a flexible position in a positive environment at a progressive institution, and I am satisfied that I found all of that and then some. The few negative experiences I had prior definitely informed my decision, and helped me to recognize what I didn't want as an attending.

I'm aware that many of you have had much worse and many more negative experiences than I did, and I'm wondering:

What did you encounter?

How did you manage, supercede, overcome?

What did you learn from the experience?

Do you see things getting better, or worse?