Control Issues

Hello everyone! I am going by Kicks, and I am 4 days away from finishing up my intern year in family medicine residency! We're currently pregnant with our first and can't wait to absorb all of this community's wisdom and advice. :)

Today was a rough day.

It started out okay. I'm on inpatient wards now, and I knew most of my patients going into the day. I had a very reasonable goal of being done by 3 to make my 3:45 OB appt with plenty of time to spare.

I enjoyed my AM visits with my patients, however I was late to group table rounds due to a few chatty cathys - one who had plenty of demands before going home tomorrow and one long conversation regarding an abusive situation. Rounds went until 1, however I knew I would still have time to do notes and do my last minute tasks before 3. And, being pregnant, obviously deserved a quick lunch break for nachos in the cafeteria. I have been trying to be a good role model for well being for the medical students on the service, and try to make an example of making time for lunch (although sometimes when they're not there, I try to sneak by with a Naked juice and cottage cheese break occasionally. Baby-to-Be loves the Naked juices).

After lunch, one of the medical students went with me to discuss MRI findings with one of our patients. We both were stuck in front of our loading EMR for awhile, and I made it a point to tell her that sometimes watching the EMR loading bar and being stuck in one place not being productive for a few minutes was a reminder for me to take a deep breath and remind myself I am not always in control. (Again, when I don't have a witness I've also been known to lightly slap the computer monitor). The MRI showed a likely tumor, so the discussion took awhile. I also had to stop downstairs and discuss the abusive situation from above with one of our social workers.

So clearly I am already running late. However, I hammered through my notes and was able to escape by 3:30 - so if all went well I would make it exactly on time to my 3:45 appointment 15 minutes away. Very doable.

I was not even one block away from the hospital when I got stuck. I have no idea why this van was stopped in the middle of the road, but it was surrounded by other cars who couldn't get around it. I waited at my light a few rounds before realizing this van wasn't moving one inch. I tried to go around the block - along with the rest of the world. Some random construction also popped up. Within half an hour, I had not made it 4 blocks away from the hospital.

I called the OB office in almost tears from my frustration. I felt terrible - the other intern was covering for me leaving early and I couldn't even make it to my stupid appointment. The scheduler on the line sounded slightly alarmed at how upset I was, and reassured me it would be okay and I could always call back in the morning to reschedule.

I felt awful. I don't think I have ever missed a doctor's appointment before. Where did I go wrong? Should I have taken a shorter nacho break to leave earlier? Should I have tried to write a note or two while the other residents presented during table rounds? Should I have delegated more of my afternoon tasks? The guilt piled on when I realized this was still pre-baby life. I had a mental image of Baby-to-Be sitting alone outside of the deserted daycare waiting for me, the long lost parent not yet able to make it home from work. And it got worse when I got home - and saw the laundry, dinner needing to be cooked, messy table and counter tops, Dog in sore need of a walk, and again realized - this is pre-baby life during residency and I am already exhausted. I cried into Husband's hug, and he promptly suggested leftovers for dinner and a nap for me.

I can say now I am a more functional person tonight s/p nap. And the dog did get a walk, but everything else is still dirty and that's okay. And it's okay to miss an appointment here or there - because one has to assume one can travel 3 blocks in a 30 minute time span on a usual day. Crap happens, and - as I was hypocritically telling the medical student just hours earlier - I am going to try and take more of those forced unproductive moments (like sitting in traffic) to take a deep breath, and carry on.

4 days left of intern year, guys. Just 4 more days.