Tuesday, February 21, 2017
MiM Mail: Challenges of being a working parent of school-aged children?
I'm a resident and a mom, with two kids in elementary school. As my kids have gotten older it has gotten a lot easier to "balance" medicine and home life, but I am still quite frustrated with some of the residual things I'm unavailable for. Specifically, it's tough feeling out of the loop regarding school and extracurricular activities, such as having someone else do their homework with them, not being there right after school to hear how their day went and meet their friends, and not getting to observe many extra-curricular activities to determine their quality/worthwhileness. How are you moms of older kids staying involved with those important aspects of their schooling and overall life? When I attend parent-teacher conferences I seem to get positive feedback about how things are going but it's also somewhat generic. I was also wondering in general what some of the challenges of being a working parent of school-aged children and teens are and how you've counteracted those? It seems most of the advice online is for moms of younger kids. Thanks!
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Thank you for this post! I also feel out of the loop (and a bit guilt tripped by the school when I can go). Looking forward to hearing everyone's thoughts!
ReplyDeleteMy kids are 7 and 4 and I can feel sweet, sweet release of babyhood and toddlerdom. But yes, I want to hear what older kids' moms say. The 7yo has homework already and I feel like I miss so much.
ReplyDeleteMine are 11 and 13. Imagine only having them half the time at that age - I was divorced when they were in elementary school. I guess you just make the most of the time you have. I look for the pluses - my not having my thumb on everything they are doing has made them both very independent in their approach to homework. I also hosted lots of sleepovers on my weekends with them, still do - that's how you get to hang around and know their friends. Friday nights are best because they are usually tired from school and go to bed at a decent hour (with teenagers, however, decent hours go out the window). I staged art activities when they were younger so I could be around them more. Even if they want time to themselves you get to plug in at mealtime. When they were younger, I plugged into homework whenever I could, even if it meant poring through backpack folders to sign paperwork after they went to bed, and talking with them about what they are doing at dinnertime and breakfast.
ReplyDeleteOn weekends I have them, I also tend to try to create one on one time - it's quality, not quantity that counts. I've created a book club with a lot of the mom's of my daughter's friends; I find the more I socialize through morning walks on days off or weekends and getting together for dinners with mom's of both of their friends I stay very plugged into their social scene, and they notice and open up more when I can share anecdotes I learn from bonding that way. On the plus side of divorce, I have more weekends free to do this, but I think you could create time in an intact marriage with your spouse helping out. It was tough to put myself out there at first, feeling like the odd divorced bird, but the reward is tenfold. I find my daughter is very comforted knowing that the mom's all talk about their kids and know what is going on at school and with social scenes even if they aren't there. And whenever I am worried or confused about a situation at school I can text a mom easily and get their take.
I find that by modeling working motherhood, even with the time constraints and drawbacks, I am modeling a positive image of a working mother to my kids. My daughter at 13 sees this, and is coming around to respect it, even though when she was younger she lamented the time her friends got with their SAHMs. She has mad career goals. SAHM model is great too, but it doesn't go unnoticed that we are unapologetic, if somewhat guilty career moms who enjoy being doctors and mothers. The reward that I get from my work, and happiness despite struggles, definitely carries over into my mothering.
I am a full-time working mom who is beginning medical school in September. My kids are (almost)15, 12, 7, and 3. That gives us HS, MS, elementary, and preschool-age children. My husband is a very hands-on parent who also works. In the areas we can control, simplicity has been key. We live in a small house that allows all the kids to walk or be walked to school. Same with getting to after school activities - they ride their bikes. We do family meals in the morning for breakfast (the 12 year old cooks) and we meet again at dinner. I anticipate in residency that would be a bit more difficult, but that is a season. I do very few school activities during the day, but I find establishing unique and special rituals with each kid helps. With one it might be the bedtime story; with the cross country runner a run on the weekend; with another an intentional conversation on the way to pick up cheese pizza. And I hope to take a full no-work day every weekend. Every phase takes adjustment, but I am so thankful to have older kids!
ReplyDeleteGood luck starting school! My kids are much younger (just turned 3 twins and one due in a few weeks) and I am in my (almost) third year of medical school. I imagine it will depend on what school you are going to, but I have found that I almost always am able to take a full weekend-day off. I also often get more time with them then I did when I was working full time, but many weeks I do get a lot less if there is a test coming up. Just wanted to pop in and say congrats and I hope you enjoy school. I personally am so glad I am finally on this road and really enjoying most of it!
DeleteThank you! I'm really looking forward to it. I expect it will be a challenging road, but I am so thankful to be going into medicine.
DeleteMine is now 17. I went back to work full-time when she was 7 and just left full-time work last November. My husband was the primary school parent for years because he was more available and he works with the school district and the teachers. Also he is way better at helping with math homework than I am! As Gizabeth says, the plus is that my kid is completely independent with homework and always has been.
ReplyDeleteI really didn't care about staying on top of her homework. I heard about her friends and her activities at dinner (we eat together at least five nights out of seven) and in the car going to school and home from dance class. I also learned to say "yes" to pretty much any request she made for my time. Take me shopping? Sure. Take me for a manicure? Sure. Take me to a movie? Yup. Time in the car, unscheduled/unpressured time, usually something fun to do, and the confidences would start flowing.