I am at a crossroads with my 5 year old. It’s 4 o’clock in the morning and I have just been woken up from some amazing sleep for the countless time with a scream of “mom, I have to go to the bathroom”. I grumpily yell back “go by yourself” and my husband mumbles “that’s not nice!” and said 5 year old yells at me from the bathroom. I get up and our little tyrant is perched on the toilet going to the bathroom by himself. The bathroom is lightly illuminated with a night light. He pees as I gently say “please stop waking mommy up. I’m very tired and it makes me cranky when you wake me up.” “Cranky?” he says. “Yes, cranky because I’m tired” I say. I tell him he’s a big boy and can go pee by himself. He says “okay” then walks to his room leaving the door cracked. I tell him it’s okay to leave his door cracked and he says “okay”. I lay down in bed, he says “please close the door” I don’t respond, hubby gets up and closes the door. I lay awake in bed recounting all of the things that I am doing wrong with him, the things I am worried about with professional drama, good things that are going on (woo hoo congratulations on the new professional leadership program acceptance!), but sleep eludes me and I am so tired.
This and worse accounts (one particular evening I had a screaming match with him because I wouldn’t come back and put his covers on him just right) document our nighttime ritual. He sleeps completely through the night less than once a week. He pees on himself at least once a month. Me remaining awake for several hours after being woken up is much more common than me going peacefully back to sleep. My husband is usually not woken up, but when he is he rarely has a problem going back to sleep.
And I am at a sleeping crossroads. Being woken up for months and months and years and years makes for an unhappy mommy and I can feel the effects of my sleep deprivation. I am cranky when he wakes me up and if the sleep is really good I am downright angry. I know he needs sleep, he goes to bed at 7:30pm and wakes up between 7 and 7:30am. If he goes to sleep after 8pm for more than a few days, things don’t go well for anyone. I on the other hand know I need more sleep, but getting in bed before 9pm is rarely an option, but if I could just sleep uninterrupted it would be so much more restful. Tonight though I was in bed watching TV by 8:30pm.
I don’t know what to do. It’s 4:10am. My shoulders hurt, it’s cold (autumn in the mid-Atlantic in our 1938-built home mean it’s chilly literally all of the time). I want to be asleep, but I can’t go back to sleep. So here I type after sending my husband a “I can’t do this anymore” email that I’m sure will make for great breakfast conversation and texts back and forth all day.
I know I have options, but in my 4am research I can find very little about nighttime awakenings. Lots about 5 year olds being scared of the bathroom in general, but nothing specifically about what to do when he wakes you up at night and won't go back to sleep. Should I start sleep training again; this time using the same techniques of slowly responding less to his demands each night (but it takes so long!)? Light his room up with an additional night light to illuminate the dark corners? Make my husband do it alone? Refuse to get up with the tyrant anymore? Ship him in a box to my parents? Put a small potty seat in his room as my girlfriend, also a Pediatrician recommends (this seems so gross to me though and all I can think of is tripping on it and pee flying everywhere)?
Please help! I’m so over this. It’s now 4:25am and I’m going to see if I’m tired enough to fall back asleep.
I have been where you are and its exhausting! I am a mom of six so I do have a little experience.LOL I would start by putting another night light or two in his room. I would also put some sort of reward system in place for every night he doesn't call you. For instance, for every night he gets a star and when he gets five, ten or whatever he can pick something out that he wants. The reward system works great! Make getting a star a HUGE deal and slowly this too will pass. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like reward system for that age too. Works for any behaviors you want to change. I bought tickets (like fair tickets) from office depot and put jars by their beds. If they got enough tickets (brush teeth without asking, etc.) my kids could pick a prize out of a pillow full of dollar store goodies I replenished monthly. It worked so well. Good luck and hugs to you Mommabee!
ReplyDeleteI mean brush teeth first time I asked without complaining of course I reminded at that age lol.
DeleteI LOVE this idea! Going to get fair tickets and hit up the dollar store TOMORROW!!
DeleteI agree about the reward system! And be sure to talk to him during the day (when you're both wide awake!) about WHY he involves you. (e.g. What does he think you're going to do? Does he just want to see you? Why not dad?) and then most importantly, what does HE think would be the next step to help him be independent at night. You've probably already done that -- but I've found getting this insight during daylight hours helps understand him and make the reward system more successful :) Once he starts to read, you can also write down night time "rules" and post them on the wall. Kids often love concrete rules to refer to and be proud of, so this sometimes helps :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteSo glad I found this joint blog. I'm a child neurology resident with one son under two. We're ok now but I was running on empty the first seven months. My husband is the best nighttime parent, I'm so-so. My cousin used a nighttime "hall pass" system with her four year old: everything involving a parent costs a pass. At first she got four passes, then three, then two, then one. It worked but took a month. She got a prize for "graduating".
ReplyDeleteThe reward system worked really well for friends of ours with their younger son. You might also try alternating nights with your husband - can you go sleep in guest room/put in earplugs/do something else so that you sleep through the wakings and your husband gets up?
ReplyDeleteOther friends of mine put a small mattress on the floor in their room and told their son he could come and sleep there if he woke at night, as long as didn't wake them up.
Is this purely a night-time issue or does he also demand things like this during the day? If it's just at night, then I would do the reward/hall pass system. If it's during the day as well, that requires a more global approach, I think.
The once-a-month bedwetting is kind of maddening, because it's infrequent enough to make most coping approaches not worth it. My daughter wasn't reliably dry at night until she was six; yours is well within the normal range, which doesn't make it any less frustrating. We just left her in pull-ups until she didn't need them any more.
My daughter told me recently that she bothers daddy at night and not me because she knows I will just tell her to go back to bed. She's right!
ReplyDeleteWe also recently went through a bathroom regression. She'd been going by herself for months and then suddenly wanted me or my husband to take her. Our babysitter told us it was because she was afraid a panther would eat her, which she learned about from Zootopia. Phew! For a while I was worried she was having a regression from some unknown stressor that I had undoubtedly caused by working too much or yelling at her. :-)
Can you limit or eliminate liquids a couple of hours before bedtime?
ReplyDeleteMy DD was in pull ups until 9. At the suggestion of our ped, we got the "Sleep Dry" alarm. It buzzes LOUDLY when it gets wet. For whatever reason, her brain needed a little extra help with bladder control.
For you ... try the Headspace app. DH has restless leg syndrome, which often wakes me up. Some nights I can't turn my mind off once I'm awake. On those nights, I pop in some earbuds and listen to one of the meditation segments... it usually works to break me out of the obsessive thinking cycle and I'm able to go back to sleep.
thanks ladies! I am purchasing more night lights now. I like the reward system, gotta muster up enough energy to think of one (LOL).
ReplyDeleteSome advice specifically for you and the going back to sleep - for me muscle tension and the brain going around in circles are tied together. Foam rolling (or softball rolling, even more fun) to loosen up the tight muscles makes a big difference. And maybe a little stretching or yoga to focus on breathing and slowing down.
ReplyDeleteLOL, this made me laugh! Been there, and it SUCKS. I've sent many "THIS IS AWFUL", "I HATE KIDS", "WHY DID WE HAVE KIDS", "WHY CAN'T I EVER GET SLEEP?" texts. Oy.
ReplyDelete"So here I type after sending my husband a “I can’t do this anymore” email that I’m sure will make for great breakfast conversation and texts back and forth all day."
My 5 year old still wakes me up every night needing something or other...sigh...we'll miss this some day...I guess?
ReplyDeleteYour story reminds me of this NYT article. Worth a and some careful consideration, at least. Thoughts? http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/07/well/family/our-sleep-training-nightmare.html
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