My Sanity

I feel like I’m cheating to write for this site. I have a secret. Much like I used to feel a little guilty when my gynecology patients would say “I’m so glad you’re a woman because you understand how I feel.” Truth is while I do, in fact have a vagina and need pap smears, I’ve never had cramps, contractions or even *gasp* a yeast infection. I also haven’t had a period in the 2 years (thank you Mirena). Until I had a baby I felt very little connection with my patients. I tried to distract you, but alas my secret. My life’s not that crazy. My husband’s a Super hero. He’s a stay at home dad and that makes our lives sane.

We met in high school, dated in college and married before I started med school. Our dreams we’re simple. I’d be a family practitioner; he’d be a history teacher. We’d move to a ski town have 2.5 ski bunny kids and live happily ever after. Needless to say, 2 weeks into my first FP rotation and I knew that wasn’t for me (same goes for his student teaching). I went on to be an OB resident and he became computer network administrator extraordinaire. We ended up about 3 states away from Colorado. When I became pregnant with our Boy Genius during my 3rd year we ran the numbers. It just made more since for him to stay home, and he genuinely wanted to. I have to admit, to be honest, I was a little skeptical. I wasn’t sure how he would handle it, how it would affect the dynamic of our relationship or even, I hate to admit this, what people would think.

The transition went fairly smoothly. He worked until I was done with maternity leave then he accepted a new position of full time dad. He quickly realized that it wasn’t all Sci-Fi channel and bon-bons. Also he learned it’s a bad idea to take a 7 week old to see Lord of the Rings (sorry honey, I’ll never let you live that one down), but over time I grew amazed at his patience and the way he became the most amazing father I’d ever seen. It was hard at times when our son preferred him to me or when our overly picky son would only eat when he fed him. I remember being horrified in the airport when I tried to feed him and he wouldn’t eat for me. I had to have my husband do it and I felt like a fraud of a mom. I soon learned that that was just part of our arrangement.

I feel more connected to him than I ever have before. I hold him with even greater respect. To be honest after working 10 hours and delivering a million babies, when I don’t also worry about cooking, cleaning and picking up laundry, it leaves a lot more time to focus on our relationship.

When our son was about 6 months old my 2 best friends came for the weekend. They had never been huge fans of my husband. During girl talk, later in the weekend, I began to slightly complain about him. They gave me THE LOOK. “Stop it right there” they said “you’re never allowed to complain about your husband EVER AGAIN.” After seeing his super dad skills, my stay at home mom friends had changed alliances forever. Occasionally we’ll get an odd look at a party when we get introduced to new people, but at this point it bothers neither of us in the least.

He was a little lonely at first while I was a resident, but once in practice we moved (yet further away from skiing). Here he’s involved with a dad’s playgroup and has stayed well connected to society. Also he seems to get volunteered often in the neighborhood and at church, so his social schedule stays quite full. This arrangement has worked amazingly well for us.

Currently life is smooth and fairly peaceful. We are unpatiently waiting to adopt baby #2, so we’ll see how our sanity holds up when we add another to the mix.

Thanks for letting me join the club.

RH+

Fathers and parental leave

"Working at the downtown east side clinic was a walk in the park compared to being at home with the kids," I commented to someone recently, referring to my experience when Pete took parental leave a few years ago.

"Your job must not be that hard, then," he responded.

That is exactly why I think it is so valuable for fathers to experience being the primary caregiver to their children, if only for a few weeks.

When our second child was born, Pete took ten weeks of parental leave. "I'm going to take Saskia [the three-year-old] to the beach every day," he told me happily as he planned his time off.

"What about the baby?" I reminded him.

"Oh, yeah." Pete paused to consider this. "He can come along too."

I couldn't fault his ambition. I was the one who had planned to learn to play piano, take up sewing and audit an architecture class during my first maternity leave.

After two weeks of caring for an infant and toddler, laundry, cleaning and meal preparation; of cycling through endless menial tasks, Pete began the countdown to his return to work.

"Five weeks down, five to go," he announced one night.

I did a mental calculation. "No, four down and six to go," I corrected him.

He was crestfallen.

Meanwhile, I was having a fantastic time at work. I clocked in at 8:30 and left at 4:30. It was civilized. I dealt systematically with one issue at a time. It was stimulating, an academic and clinical challenge. Every day I spent an hour eating lunch with a book in hand at a local eatery. I enjoyed the collegial atmosphere of the clinic. Nobody questioned the value of my work. And I was getting paid.

Being the one coming home to the kids, in time for dinner, gave me a new view of domestic chores. I came to greatly appreciate two things in particular: a path cleared from the front door to the kitchen, and a meal of any kind on the table. These days, on the three days a week that I stay home, I strive for that minimum, and some days I achieve it.

In many ways, Pete's stay at home wasn't comparable to my own. His was for a defined period of time, a matter of weeks. Mine is indefinite, making it more difficult to keep perspective. And postponing a career for a decade or two obviously has greater implications than a brief leave from work.

Still, those ten weeks gave him an empathy for stay-at-home parents that only time in the trenches can.

(Originally posted at www.freshmd.com)

get out much?

It's Saturday night and my husband and I have just returned from a very rare night out without our children Nearly Two and Just Four. So rare that it just may have been a first. Not that he and I don't go out, it's just that we do it As A Family. So, the four of us go out to lunch and the library and the park and the ice cream shop and the occasional museum. On weekdays we do go to work As Adults , but it is no Couples Time. This may come after the kids go to sleep, unless, of course, they are still awake.

All of our time when we are not actually at work is Family Time. We do not have a babysitter at the ready. Somewhat embarrassed to say how long it has been since I've seen a movie on the big screen. We put our children to sleep late, and we like to say it is simply in accordance with their natural circadian rhythms, but more accurately we've groomed them to fall asleep late enough so Working Parents can get in some quantity (quality?) play time at the close of day. Is it just us, or is this a modern day dual career family phenomenon? Actually, no one other than me or my husband has put our children to sleep in 4+ years, except for the one night when I was In Labor.

Even tonight, we rushed home from our Night Out to put Nearly Two and Just Four to bed , late as it was. Once home awash in hugs and cheers, we were surprised to find that they had a great time without us, feasting on fries with Recently Local Grandma. And we had a pretty good time being A Couple, as well. Maybe we'll go out on a date again, in another 4 years...